DECISIONS, DECISIONS

Can we get real today on Beauty, Love & Grub? Being an adult is hard. Truly difficult. I could write an entire blog post listing all of the reasons I’d rather be 10 again. But let’s take it one struggle at a time to make things more manageable. Throughout our entire childhood, we anxiously anticipate the day we can make our own decisions. No one to order us around. No one to limit our every move. The day when we become our own boss will be the best day ever…

Until we actually have to make a difficult decision. Alone. Until there is no one to dictate our next step or help us live with and through the consequences. By far, the most challenging times of my adult life have been when I’m faced with making a difficult decision. The degree of agony increases exponentially when you have children because that decision no longer impacts only you. You are now responsible for another human being’s life, safety, well-being, and happiness. I’m not alone. You’re likely with me if you’re reading this. So how can we make this part of “adulting” easier? Unfortunately it’s not as simple as mulling it over with a glass of wine.

Over the past few weeks, my husband and I had a difficult decision to make. One that would not only affect the two of us, but also our kids and the harmony and sanity of our family. What made it more difficult and complex was that before March, the decision would have been a no-brainer. Neither one of us would have given it a second thought. We knew exactly what we wanted and how the future should look. But the state of the world has changed quite a bit over the past six months. So much is uncertain. While we’ve never had a crystal ball, many things were predictable, and we were able to plan. But I’ve found lately that fear controls far too much of what we do. Many fear the uncertain, pandemic or no pandemic. 

I believe most things happen for a reason. I believe many things are not coincidence. As we were overdue to make our decision, a woman I follow on Instagram posted a quote from Nelson Mandela. “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” What timing! A few days later, I was texting with a friend, and she offered similar advice. She asked, “When you set aside the fear, what do you feel inside when you think of each option?” With that, I’ll begin to offer my advice for making difficult decisions.

1.     To plagiarize, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” In my heart, I feel I made the wrong choice on a major life decision a few years ago. And I made it out of fear. Fear that the worst possible outcome would be my reality. Fear that I’d negatively alter the lives of my two sons and the harmony of our family that I mentioned above. Fear that I wasn’t strong enough to figure it out and work through it if things didn’t go as I’d hoped. I lost faith…in God and in myself. I forgot that God gave me what it takes to persevere against all odds. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t wish I’d held onto my hopes, put aside the voices of those who instilled fear in me, and reminded myself of my strength. 

So in the final hours before making this most recent decision, I decided I wouldn’t allow my fears to control my fate. I thought about my hopes. What did I wish for? How would I feel if all of my hopes were realized? And if things didn’t work out exactly as I’d planned, what could I do to manage and work through it? In that moment, I reminded myself of my strength, resilience, and resourcefulness. I thought about the confidence that others have always had in me, which is sometimes more than I have in myself.    

2.     Listen to your body. This sounds weird, I know. And it sounded a little weird to me when my friend suggested it. She’s much more spiritual than I am. I’m somewhat religious, but I wouldn’t call myself spiritual. She meditates. I can’t calm down long enough to even attempt that.  Her advice: “I suggest sitting by yourself on the floor of your closet for five minutes and saying each option aloud. ‘I am going to …’ Sit with it for two minutes and tune in to how your body reacts. Then try, ‘I am going to …’ And see how your body feels with that option.” Why the heck wouldn’t I try it? What did I have to lose?  And it was interesting. Just faking that I made the decision was very telling. I won’t lie and say either felt 100%. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have been sitting on the floor of my closet in the first place. But one definitely gave me more anxiety than the other, which told me that wasn’t the right call. This shouldn’t have been surprising to me. There’s a reason people advise listening to your gut. My mom has always said, “When in doubt, don’t.” In most cases, your gut doesn’t lie.

3.     But let’s take emotion out of it if you’re not a touchy-feely person. What if everything is black and white for you? About 20 years ago, I took a weeklong executive negotiation course developed by Harvard and MIT. Although it was half a lifetime ago, I will always remember one thing: Have a BATNA. What on Earth is a BATNA? It’s the Best Alternative To Negotiating an Agreement. In other words, what’s your plan and the best outcome if you don’t make a deal? What’s the best that happens if you just walk away? In any negotiation, we all know our ideal outcome. But we often get so caught up in getting what we want from the other side that we lose sight of reality and acceptable alternatives. 

So although I’m not talking about negotiating in the classic sense, making a decision is somewhat of a negotiation with yourself, and I believe the same principles apply. What is the worst that can happen if I go with Option A? And Option B? In other words, what’s my best alternative if things don’t go as planned after I make my choice? 

So go back to #1 and what life could look like if all of your hopes are realized. Couple that with how you’d handle the worst possible outcome of that choice, and if you can live with it, go for the dream. The key is to always have a plan, and if you aren’t at a point where you can solve for every unknown, at least have an idea of a few possible options and the confidence to believe you’ll figure it out when push comes to shove.

4.     Finally, I’ll throw in one more for good measure, with the caveat that it doesn’t always apply and it’s not always possible. But a wise former boss of mine once said, “Sometimes you don’t know what’s possible until you walk away.” He was referring to a negotiation, meaning sometimes the other side will come back with everything you wanted, and perhaps even more, if you just walk away. An opportunity you thought was lost is suddenly alive again because circumstances and/or motivations have changed.

With major decisions in life, we often have to make them without complete information. But sometimes things aren’t permanent. Sometimes a crack in the door remains, and it may be possible to revisit it if you discover you’ve made the wrong decision. So if you’re inclined to move in one direction, it’s a little less daunting if you know there may be a second chance if change your mind. 

I’ve said it a thousand times that this adulting thing is hard. Sometimes we make the right call, and other times we hope to have another shot to get it right. It’s even more complex when we impact people beyond ourselves. I hope I’m getting better at being more thoughtful as I age, learn and grow. Here’s wishing the same for you, along with peace with your decisions once made.